The philosophies of this world and vain imaginations have no answer for the anger and depression that held me in bondage for so many years. In the dark recesses of my mind, I kept all the justifications and blame for that word I could not even utter: “abortion,” not one but three.
Denial had a huge penalty, stealing the feelings that made my soul human and connected me to the world around me. Analyzing and reasoning only led to a deeper pit of confusion causing even my mind I had depended upon to fail me. The psychiatrist called it a transference psychosis. Yet, what I denied in the conscious realm found an outlet in the physical with a life-threatening diagnosis: Crohn’s Disease, incurable in the medical world. Divorce did not free me from the tormentor of my soul.
Try as I may, I could not find the answer to my situation and the problems I faced as a young mother of two, divorced and teaching school, in what seemed like a hopeless situation. The needs of my children were immense and without a father they suffered also. Guilt threatened to consume me, and fear was my companion.
The feminist rhetoric that had sounded so true in college had been tested and found lacking. “I can take care of myself and don’t need a man to support me,” were the words of a rebellious woman who had scoffed at God’s plan for her to be loved and protected.
Turning back to God would mean returning to a world that had not been a part of my life for almost 20 years, His church. Repenting and turning to Jesus to me at that time meant fitting in and finding acceptance among people who would probably be my accusers if they really knew me. I could put up a good front, but inside I carried the pain and shame that I had never shared.
God knew what it would take to get to my heart and had mercy on me and brought a man into my life who wanted to love and protect me and help raise my children in a Christian home. This former feminist was ready to accept the love and forgiveness of God and the love of a man. After recommitting my life to Jesus, the Lord took us far away from everything I had known and placed me in His body of believers where I heard His word for me, His answers for every problem. Bit by bit, line upon line and truth upon truth, the lies I had believed about myself and God began to be replaced with the unchanging word of a God who cannot lie.
“There is therefore now no condemnation…” (Romans 8:1a) were words of life, words of healing, words that I never heard in the psychiatrist’s office. “…and by His stripes we (you) are healed” (Isaiah 53:5b) were words of life that my surgeon never spoke. Set free by the truth that never changes and cannot lie, I began to accept His love and forgiveness for me and learned to trust and love Him.
A renewed mind and a new identity, beauty for ashes and a robe and ring for a prodigal were there for a daughter who had squandered her life, her health, and her children. Many were His treasures for me when I began to receive His answers for the impossible. Healing of Crohn’s Disease came after two life-threatening perforations and surgeries. The surgeon’s answer, “Don’t think you’re healed, you have abscesses all over your intestines and we only took out what we had to,” was not the answer that God gave me in His promise that He sent His word and healed me of ALL my diseases or in the prayer prayed by our pastor that this sickness was not unto death but would be for the glory of God. Whose report would I believe?
It was 25 years before I could mourn the three children I had lost and acknowledge them openly and not fear the condemnation from the self-righteous. It’s all about Jesus who died for this sinful woman, who had me on His mind even when I was His enemy, who helped me overcome all my hurt and pain and who deserves all the honor and glory.
In this world of confusion where everyone has an opinion, there is an answer that will never fail and brings life and abundant life. It is found in God’s word, motivated by love and manifested by faith, only in the blood of Jesus Christ who is the Word and is God. How He has blessed me with every good gift, materially and most of all spiritually. This journey of getting to know the King of the Universe has given me joy for depression and anger, hope in the place of hurt, forgiveness and love in the place of grief, guilt and pain. A loved wife for 35 years, now a mother, grandmother and great grandmother whose greatest joy is children who serve the Lord and children who wait for me in Jesus’ arms, all reasons to write His answer for a lost world.